Grrrrrrrrrrreetings to you, audience! I can assume I have an audience, right? I’m not just wasting my time here? Anyone? SPEAK TO ME! Oh well. I guess this is just for my own amusement, then.
Moving beyond my self-deprecatory ways, my name is David Amerman. I’m a senior journalism major/English and theatre minor at…dramatic silence… Penn State. Yes, THAT Penn State. The one with the fresh-from-the-manure-fields-homemade ice cream, the wellspring of adolescent alcoholism, and, more importantly, that joyful sex abuse scandal that has been kicking the crap out of our reputation in every way imaginable. But I assure you, reader, that what I’m putting my school’s name on is, in fact, the least scandalous earthly creation since Robert Sean Leonard (my idea of the perfect human being).
This is the Penn State Blockbuster Blog! What’s the Penn State Blockbuster Project Blog, you might ask? Gather ’round, my children… it’s story time!
Eons upon eons ago (i.e. my senior of high school), I made the decision to go to Penn State because they had an accredited journalism program, a supposedly decent film school and I was accepted regardless of my bowel movement of a high school GPA. It was my ambition to double major in journalism and film because my dream job was to be a film critic. It was the perfect meshing of my two favorite things: writing and movies. And if film criticism ended up scaring me poopless, I would at least have knowledge enough to make it in either of the two job industries.
But then, in their benevolent wisdom and openminded-ness, the deans of Penn State’s College of Communications surveyed my dream and proceeded to vomit Pineapple Fanta all over it. “YOU CAN’T DO THAT!” they squelched with academic pomposity. “JOURNALISM AND FILM AREN’T SUPPOSED TO GO TOGETHER, DUMB STUPID NAIVE 1/45,000TH OF A PERSON!” Fine. So I couldn’t do both majors. Whatever. Luckily, there was a film studies minor available. It wouldn’t be as much of a film education as a film major, but it was better than nothing. So, over the course of my first two years (which I spent at a branch campus), I took the two introductory courses that would eventually pave the way toward exciting classes in screenwriting, camera work and much more.
But then, in their benevolent wisdom and openminded-ness, the deans of Penn State’s College of Communications surveyed my dream and proceeded to vomit Pineapple Fanta and blueberry cream cheese all over it. “WHAT’D WE TELL YOU, FRACTION BOY?” they wheezed with Penn State pride. “YOU CAN’T ADD ANOTHER COMMUNICATIONS MAJOR OR MINOR IF YOU’RE ALREADY DOING ONE TO BEGIN WITH! YOU WILL NOT STUDY FILM! NEVER NEVER EVER EVER, YOU CLUMP OF MALODOROUS DELI MEAT!” So, since journalism was a safer route to take as far as finding a solid job after college, I chose to major in journalism and abandon any hope of film school.
Then, a thought occurred to me that I could bypass the savage oafishness of Penn State’s bylaws and learn about film on my own. One thing I thoroughly enjoy about Penn State is its library, which boasts not only six floors of wall-to-wall books, but also a library of movies. And not just at the main campus in University Park that I currently reside at. All across Penn State, there are 19 other branch campuses with libraries containing select movies. So if, for whatever reason, the main campus library doesn’t have a slightly obscure movie like, say, Fearless or Wild Strawberries, chances are it can be found at some other campus like Shenango, Erie, Lehigh Valley and so forth. This, to me, made my going to Penn State completely worth it. Scandal or no scandal, this school is giving me the chance to watch all the movies I can manage for absolutely no additional cost other than tuition!! (thanks, mom and dad!) Like my very own private Blockbuster! It almost feels illegal for me to be getting away with this, but so be it! I am Nefarious David: Renegade Film Buff! Learning about things I’m curious about regardless of any morbid discouragement from academia! As legendary hockey coach Herb Brooks once said through Kurt Russell, “SCREW ‘EM! THIS IS YOUR TIME! NOW GO OUT THERE AND TAKE IT!”
Words to live by. If only Kurt Russell were in charge… he’d make the bad people go away…
With this knowledge, I have concocted a list of movies that have either been recommended to me by other film buffs or were movies I’ve always wanted to see but never got the chance to. Some movies are also ones I’ve seen parts of, but don’t have a strong enough recollection of to say I’ve actually seen it. For example, I’m pretty confident that I’ve seen movies like Raiders of the Lost Ark, The Wizard of Oz, and Titanic, but I’ve decided that they are too important to not see with new eyes. Also, I watched Citizen Kane in my first college film class, but the class was at such a late hour that I dozed off through various chunks of it. To my defense, that film class took place on the only day I had an 8 a.m. class, so I wasn’t willingly zonking to one of cinema’s all-time classics. In the battle of nature vs feature, it was like non-Parkinson’s Muhammad Ali vs present-day Andy Milonakis. Just a fantastically gruesome mismatch of epic disproportions.
This list can be found on a page of this blog cleverly entitled “The List.” From this list, I will check out as many movies from the library as I can and write a review on it. Film criticism isn’t really a strong suit of mine, but I’m going to try my best to shove aside my overflowing reservoir of insecurities and do it anyway.
As far as the order, it will likely depend on my mood at the moment. Normally, I like to randomize it using random.org. Other times, I’ll stray to the dark side of fairness in film selection and pick something I just feel like watching. For example, if I’m in a notably crap-tastic mood, I’m more likely to watch something like Planes, Trains and Automobiles than I would a more serious yarn like Ordinary People. Speaking of the dark side, by the way, the project’s first film will be Star Wars IV: A New Hope (which I chose to be first because the librarians told me that very, very popular movies like Star Wars can be hard to come by on such a big campus). I’ve also put a hold on Spirited Away, so that will be next.
One last thing: I AM OPEN TO SUGGESTIONS! These are movies that I’ve heard are good and have thusly piqued my curiosity, but I am not a film scholar. Help me to learn, ye who are wiser than I! Write me a comment suggesting which movie I should put in and which I should take out and why. Odds are, I will probably listen to you.
One exception to that rule: Just don’t say “Seventh Seal? WTF is that? You should rent Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close! Best movie everrrrr!” At least in the case of recommending that movie, you’re really only setting yourself up for a parade of pain. In other words, I will recruit the entire city of Bloomington, Indiana to mercilessly drop kick you in the head. No holds barred. One citizen at a time. That’s 80,405 cranial punts. You’ve been warned.
Provided that recommendation ne’er sees the light of day, I hope you’ll join me on my journey through this invisible third minor of mine. I invite your feedback on my reviews, movie choices and so forth and, once again, welcome to my Penn State Blockbuster Project Blog!
The Vaguely Nefarious Penn State University Blockbuster Project 